Boundaries:
The Building Blocks Of All Relationships
The Building Blocks Of All Relationships
Is it hard for you to say "no"?
Are you tired of other people not listening to you?
Would you like to know how to deal with difficult people?
Does fear of conflict stop your from doing what you want to do?
...it's time to look at your boundaries!
Every relationship, good and bad, is created and maintained by your boundaries. If you have good boundaries, you will create good relationships. If you have bad boundaries, you will create bad relationships. It is that simple. Boundaries are the building blocks of all relationships.What Are Boundaries?
In the dictionary, boundaries are defined as “any line or thing marking a limit or border”. In relationships, boundaries are all the ways we stay connected and separate from others. They are the ways we respect ourselves and others.
Some boundaries are helpful, like a rock seawall protecting a harbor during a storm. But other boundaries cause problems, like a fallen tree blocking traffic. The same is true in relationships. Some boundaries help you reach your relationship goals and others sabotage you. Knowingly or unknowingly you are shaping, changing and enforcing every relationship you have. Most people are completely unaware of their part and power in creating their relationships.
Boundaries Are Like A Fence
I think of boundaries as invisible fence around each of us that monitors how we interact; what we let in and what we send out. Like a good fence, good boundaries block unruly intruders. For example, good boundaries let you know how to stop unwanted touch or comments from others. They also help you set limits and say “no” in a way that respects your values without alienating others. They allow you to take action when necessary.
They also stop you from trespassing on others turf. So, instead of barging in with your opinions, you know when it is appropriate to include your ideas.
A good fence also has a gate, so you can be open and connect with others. The same is true with good boundaries. The ability to soften and be vulnerable is an important boundary skill if you want to have deep relationships.
Healthy boundaries help you be open and yielding when appropriate. You can be open and vulnerable and let people in. If you have a boundaries problem, you might stay shut, even to people who deserve your trust and love. Or you might be too open, letting others' problems or agendas take over your life.
If you have healthy boundaries, you know when you need to put up a stronger fence or when it’s O.K. to open the gate. Healthy boundaries provide a feedback loop that helps you make changes as needed for each new situation or person.
There Are Twelve Boundaries Styles
There are twelve distinct styles of relating with others and they are all based on boundaries. This is based on my research and work of over 20 years working with people dealing with relationship issues at home and work. No matter what the situation, I found problems with family members, romantic partners, parents, children, co-workers, bosses, employees, clients and strangers were all created or maintained by poor boundaries. Once people learned how to assess the situation and use the right boundaries, their relationships changed.
Unlike most information about boundaries, which only describes the Assertive style, with The Boundaries Method you learn all twelve relationship styles. Six of these boundaries styles create problems and six create solutions.
In using The Boundaries Method, you will learn which problem styles you have been using and how to identify others’ problems style. You’ll also learn to pick what solution style to use to best reach your relationship goals.
The Six Boundary Problems are:
Rigid
Invisible
Distant
Enmeshed
Intrusive
Hyper-Receptive
They are the relationship approaches that don't work. They make you, or others, unhappy.
Click here for a full description.
The Six Boundary Solutions are:
Firm
Flexible
Disengaged
Engaged
Assertive
Yielding
These are the relationship approaches that help you create the type of relationships you really want.
Click here to learn more.
"If you want great relationships,
you need a variety of tools in your relationship tool box.
Not just one."
you need a variety of tools in your relationship tool box.
Not just one."
Part of healthy boundaries is having the flexibility to change your approach as needed. If you want great relationships, you need a variety of tools in your relationship tool box. These tools are The Six Boundary Solutions.
It is great if you already have a favorite approach to relationships. But you still need to know how to use all six boundary solution styles. Not just one. If don't know them all, you tend to overuse one tool...and that causes problems. For example, if you overuse the Assertive Boundary Solution or use it at the wrong time with the wrong person, you will end up coming across as Intrusive. When you use the right solution at the right time, it's like magic.Healthy Boundaries Help You Stay Separate and Connected
Good boundaries help you stay separate from others. You feel O.K when you disagree or say “no”. You differentiate between your problems and someone else’s problems. You end a phone call, job or even a relationship when it is appropriate. You feel good about yourself, without waiting for others stamp of approval.
Good boundaries help you stay connected others. You are open and sharing. You empathize with others and let others influence you. You give and receive love, support and feedback.
Poor Boundaries Cost You
When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you get hurt. You trust people who are not trust worthy. You don’t set limits in a timely manner. Your fears of conflict or abandonment take over. You accept the unacceptable. Bad boundaries cost you.
"You accept the unacceptable. Bad boundaries cost you."
Beverly was in love with Rob, but he treated her badly. Sometimes he put her down by laughing at her ideas and saying she was “stupid”. When she did speak up about how her treated her, he would tell her about other women who were interested in him. He said she was “so sensitive she was lucky he put up with it.” This veiled threat of leaving, known as The Abandonment Move, triggered her fears of being left, so she stopped bringing up her feelings and needs.
Matt used the Hyper-Receptive Boundary Problem Style. He didn't take action till carefully looking for any clues that will tell him how to act. Unable to be spontaneous, his desires quickly fade away in the light of others moods. Constantly on alert, he seemed like a chameleon- ready at any moment to change himself to fit the situation. “Don’t rock the boat” and “Peace at any price” are his mantras.
Greta was a dynamic business woman. Always the first to speak up at board meetings, she knew how to take action and get things done. Unfortunately, she over-used her assertive, take-charge style. She didn’t realize how she came across to others. Even her children stopped trying to get her to listen.
Jeff was building contractor. As the jobs got going, homeowners inevitably had changes. His contracts didn’t deal with these extras, so he did it for free. Sometimes he resented it. But he was a nice guy and wanted people to be happy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t making his bank account happy. Or his wife. They were shocked when they finally added up all the extras from one year and found how much money and time they had been giving away.
Angela easily stepped into a caretaking, rescuer role with her friends and family. Because of this she often neglected her own plans and needs, like studying for her exams or getting to bed on time. Her over giving and over-caring approach was making it hard to her to accomplish her dreams.
For more detailed descriptions of The Six Boundaries Problem Styles, click here.
Matt used the Hyper-Receptive Boundary Problem Style. He didn't take action till carefully looking for any clues that will tell him how to act. Unable to be spontaneous, his desires quickly fade away in the light of others moods. Constantly on alert, he seemed like a chameleon- ready at any moment to change himself to fit the situation. “Don’t rock the boat” and “Peace at any price” are his mantras.
Greta was a dynamic business woman. Always the first to speak up at board meetings, she knew how to take action and get things done. Unfortunately, she over-used her assertive, take-charge style. She didn’t realize how she came across to others. Even her children stopped trying to get her to listen.
Jeff was building contractor. As the jobs got going, homeowners inevitably had changes. His contracts didn’t deal with these extras, so he did it for free. Sometimes he resented it. But he was a nice guy and wanted people to be happy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t making his bank account happy. Or his wife. They were shocked when they finally added up all the extras from one year and found how much money and time they had been giving away.
Angela easily stepped into a caretaking, rescuer role with her friends and family. Because of this she often neglected her own plans and needs, like studying for her exams or getting to bed on time. Her over giving and over-caring approach was making it hard to her to accomplish her dreams.
For more detailed descriptions of The Six Boundaries Problem Styles, click here.
Learn More
Be sure to join the newsletter and visit the Resources Page for helpful ideas for your relationships. Your
relationship skills depend on your ability to read the situation, pick the best approach and use it. With The Boundaries Method, you will see how easy this can be once you understand the twelve different boundary styles and how to use them. Together these twelve boundary styles encompass every way people interact with each other. You’ll be surprised how, by simply changing one or two of your styles, you can transform your relationships. "You’ll be surprised how, by simply changing one or two of your styles,
you can transform your relationships...wow!"
Welcome to The Boundaries Method!
Here's to your relationships success,
Jovanna Joan Casey M.S.W.
