What is The Boundaries Method?
The Boundaries Method is system used to approach all your relationships- family and friends, romantic partners and coworkers, even strangers. When you learn the system, you will have an easier time dealing with difficult relationships and you will create relationships that work.
Think of this system the same as a cook book. There are certain steps you have to follow if you want to bake a cake. If you miss any of them, it won’t work. So, take the time to learn each step and you will love the results.
"Think of this system the same as a cook book."
There are six steps in The Boundaries Method. They are:
1. Get A Goal
2. Do An Assessment
3. Make Your Plan
4. Get Prepared
5. Take Action
6. And Reassess
This method changes how you look at all your relationships. And it tells you what to do for your relationship success. Here is a quick overview of each step:
1.Get A Goal
If you are like most people, you dive into interactions without a clear goal in mind. You are driven by impulse or habit. You are unaware of your initial impact on shaping the outcome of your relationships. In this system you learn to ask yourself the right questions so you create good relationship goals.
Here are some key problems people have in the goals department:
Having no goal
Letting your fears or neediness override your true goals
Letting your short term goals override your bigger goals
Letting your reactions drive your goals
Having unrealistic goals
Unfinished business from the past driving your choices
Letting your fears or neediness override your true goals
Letting your short term goals override your bigger goals
Letting your reactions drive your goals
Having unrealistic goals
Unfinished business from the past driving your choices
2.Do An Assessment
Once you know how to do an assessment, half of your problems disappear. In the assessment, you learn to spot problem dynamics and how to avoid them. There are three damaging relationships dances that occur in almost every problem relationship.
"There are three damaging relationships dances that occur in almost
every problem relationship"
every problem relationship"
Learn these and you free yourself from relationship frustration or disaster. In your assessment, you see how you accidently have done these dances in the past and how your current partner (or friend) might be unconsciously trying to get you do it again.
These three damaging dances are The Dance of Drama, The Push-Me Pull-You Dance and The Parent Child Dance.
Also, in the assessment, you will learn the boundary relationship styles. These are all the ways people relate to each other. There are only twelve. Six help create healthy relationships and six destroy healthy relationships.
The healthy styles are The Six Boundary Solutions. Use them for relationship success: Firm, Flexible, Disengaged, Engaged, Assertive, Yielding
The destructive styles are The Six Boundary Problems. Stop using these if you want to create great relationships: Rigid, Invisible, Distant, Enmeshed, Intrusive, Hyper-receptive
You need to know, not only what problem styles you have been using, but also how you come across to others. In other words, what style others would say you use? As part of your assessment, you will see what style someone else is using as well. This helps you in making your plan of action.
"You need to know, not only what problem styles you have been using,
but also how you come across to others."
3. Make Your Planbut also how you come across to others."
With your goals and assessment in place, it is easy to make a plan on how to approach your relationships. You pick one of The Six Boundary Solutions that best fits your goals and your assessment of the situation.
For example, I was at a board meeting and, in a quick assessment of the group, realized one of the members used the Flexible Boundary Solutions style so much that she ended up inadvertently using the Invisible Boundary Problem style. (Flexible over used or used in the wrong situation often ends up becoming the Invisible Boundary Problem style.) So, I toned down my usual Assertive approach and gave her way more space. I asked her more questions and left longer silences. I toned down my strong statements and used a more laid back approach. She gradually gave more input and came up with some brilliant ideas we used. The meeting was a great success and our working relationship on the board was strengthened.
"Knowing how to do an assessment helped me quickly shift gears."
4. Get Prepared
Much of the time you will dive right in with your plan, but sometimes you need to do a little preparation. For example, you might be experiencing The Echo Effect. This is when you have an overcharged reaction in a current situation because it (usually unconsciously) reminds you of something upsetting from the past. Your emotions from the past are triggered and are echoing into your current situation. This contaminates your perception and response in your here and now relationship. Whenever someone has an overcharged response to a relationship situation, I start look to see the parallel historical incident getting triggered. In The Boundaries Method, you notice this and discharge excessive emotions before taking action and making a mistake.
Sometimes as part of the preparation, you need to practice your boundary solutions ahead of time. This way you can hear yourself saying what you need to say and make it feel at little more natural. Sometimes it helps to clear out some anxiety or fear before using your solution.
Other times, the preparation includes planning ahead of time what you will do to reinforce your new boundaries or how to deal with a variety of responses you might receive. For example, I knew one mom
who told her teenage children she would no longer do their laundry. After teaching them how to wash their clothes, she stopped doing it for them. She prepared by studying The Dance of Drama (mentioned above), so she was immune to their attempts to make her feel guilty. Knowing they would test this new boundary, she was ready. She was relaxed and calm as they ran out of clean clothes and started going to school in dirty jeans. Since she kept with her new rules, instead of giving in once in a while, they quickly learned their mom was out of the laundry business.
"Darn, I think mom got boundaries!"
5. Take Action
Ready with your goal, plan and boundary solution style in hand, you take action with confidence. "Ready with your goal, plan and boundary solution style in hand,
you take action with confidence."
you take action with confidence."
Once you learn this system and put it to use, it becomes part of your everyday approach to all your relationships. You make different choices about who you choose for friends. You make different choices about how you interact with your family. You know how to interact to accomplish your relationship dreams.
6. And Reassess
After using your boundary solution, you look at your results and see if you need to add or change anything. Sometimes you start with one solution style and need to change it a bit. Your reassessment helps you stay on track with your relationship goals.
That’s it!
It’s that easy. The key is in being exact about each step. This method has been created over years of helping people solve all types of relationship problems. This approach trains you to use your wisdom to get what you want in your relationships.
Learn The Boundaries Method – Get Started Today!
I have been teaching this method for over 15 years and am happy to share it with you. I am currently working a book to teach this method. In the meantime, I have put chapters in progress on this site for you. You can also purchase a printed format to use. These are The Great Living Booklets. Keep an eye out for videos and other training materials. Be sure to get on the newsletter, this is where you will hear about free events, trainings and other support for you having great relationships. You will also be invited to the book release and teleseminar celebrations and tutorials. Sign up for the youtube video link so you get teaching sessions as they are posted.
I have taken one training, Boundaries & Relationships and had an audio recording made for your use. Here you will learn many relationship concepts, along with live question/answer sessions.Stay tuned for lots more great ideas. I look forward to sharing more with you.
Here’s to you and your great relationships!
Cheers,
Jovanna Joan Casey