Miss Manners Missed The Boat

www.joancasey.com

 “No, No, No Miss Manners!”

I was reading a Seattle newspaper and started groaning, “No, no, no!” It was because the advice column I was reading was giving advice that could set up the letter-writer up for a life of perpetual victim hood, never understanding how she herself had a hand in creating her troubling situations. I thought I must have misread Miss Manners’ answers so I read it again. “I can’t believe this!” I moaned. It was worse than I had imagined.

First, if you like, you can read Miss Manners’ advice here before we talk about the answers she gave here is the article:

Movie mishap: No use crying over spilled popcorn     Judith Martin Miss Manners
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I went out with several girlfriends to a dinner and a movie. We split the dinner bill, which for me was double what my order was since I didn't have drinks, no problem. Then we headed to the movies and found our seat. I never buy anything at movie theaters because I think it's way too expensive, but my friends went out and bought a huge tray of stuff.

When the one woman went to take her seat, she asked me to hold the tray. I waited for her to take it back after she was seated, but she seemed to want me to be a "table." I shifted positions, and the popcorn spilled all over. It was piled on top of other things, and was at a slant. If I would have reached for it I would have dropped everything.

Should I have then paid for the popcorn I spilled? They asked me to replace it, and I just sat there in a huff and said it wasn't my fault. After all of them had finished their popcorn, they wanted me to then hold the remains, too, which I declined. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Is there a step missing here? After they finished what popcorn? Did you give in and buy them more? Did they buy it themselves? Or did they eat the spilled popcorn from the floor? Never mind; Miss Manners has a more pressing question: What sort of friendship is this? Suppose she were to dictate exactly who should pay for what? Would that leave all of you enjoying one another's company in a spirit of tolerance and good will?

Here are the sorts of things friends can say in a perfectly good-natured way under these circumstances:
"Let's change places so you can both get at the popcorn."
"Whoops, sorry. But I tried to get you to take it back."
"Take it out of the extra money I put into the dinner bill, because I didn't have drinks."
But that presumes a spirit of friendship characterized by tolerance, fairness and even generosity. If all of you had that, you could have said, "Sorry, let me get you some more," with the confidence that your friends would have replied, "Don't be silly, we'll get it."

And now for a totally different perspective from Boundaries: Solutions For Life

Dear Crying:

From your letter, it seems that you have a habit of acting as if something is okay with you when in reality it really isn’t. You need to look at how your passivity and lack of honesty has been creating your troubling situations.

Everyday we are training other people how to treat us. And with that in mind, I’d like you to look back on the whole evening with your friends. Why would they think it was okay to treat you the way they did? Probably because you have taught them over time to not think about your feelings or at least to think that whatever they did was okay with you. You have a pattern of not speaking up when it’s time to speak up. You put it off until you are filled with resentments.

For example, it sounds like you are really watching your money right now. That’s fine. No problem. In fact, I really respect when people are clear about their boundaries, limits and values. So, in agreeing to split the cost of your friend’s drinks, it sounds like you were already discounting yourself. If you’re like some people, you probably said to yourself, “Oh well, it’s not that big a deal.” Even though for you, right now, it is. So you started out by being incongruent. Incongruent, down the line, means “not believable” for when you try to set limits with others because you already are giving mixed messages by doing something wrong for you. Your behaviors weren’t matching your values. Oops! 

You passively (and resentfully) sitting like a table holding the popcorn is another instance where you were not honoring yourself. You didn’t like it. And yet you kept going along with it. Even if you roll your eyes or sigh a lot, how would your friends know you didn’t really want the food tray on your lap? They would know only by you speaking up and doing something to get it off your lap. You are not a victim of them putting the tray on your lap. (Although you are sounding a bit like a victim…so please be sure to read the article that helps people step out of that role. Here’s the link: http://www.joancasey.com/Article2_victim_rescuer_codependent_relationship_advice_help_relationship_problems.htm )

Just so you know, some people like you also wouldn’t like to have a tray on their lap. But others would have loved it. They get to sit in the middle. There is constant interaction with their friends as they grab for food. They feel needed and so on. It wasn’t right or wrong for them to give you the tray. It was just them giving you a tray. What was wrong was that you went along with something you didn’t really want to do and then hoped someone else would read your mind and take the responsibility of fixing it for you.

Your sitting in the theater in a huff was probably a huff built up of your accumulated resentments with your friends. I suspect that this is a familiar pattern to you: you being “nice” and then later on feeling used. So, using The Boundaries Method, here is information on what you were doing and what you need to do instead.

Problem: You were using the Invisible Boundaries Problem (go here if you want to read about it in more detail http://www.joancasey.com/Article3_creating_healthy_relationships_relationship_advice_help_assertive_problems.htm  ) which means your behaviors and desires don’t match and you end up feeling hurt and angry.

You need to start using the Assertive Boundaries Solution instead. There are many ways to do it and I suggest you do it with humor. With a smile on your face and a jovial tone of voice say to your friends, “Oh man, I am sooooo looking forward to the day that I’m a millionaire cause that’s the day I’m taking you all out to dinner, drinks and all. But for now, I’ve got to divvy up this bill so I’m just covering my own dinner. So that means I’m putting in $18.70 plus $3.50 for the tip. Wasn’t that a great dinner?”  You’ve stated it with fun, clarity and you are not looking for their approval. You’ve simply claimed what you are doing. Also, notice how I added an engaging question at the end? That way the energy is immediately diverted away from what you are doing onto something else. The unspoken message is, “This is what I’m doing, now let’s move on.”

In the movie theater, when the tray was still on your lap, you could have used the Disengaged Boundaries Solution to leave or end a situation. In this case, you would gracefully and temporarily leave the situation by excusing yourself to go to the bathroom. And when you came back, with a smile on your face ask one of them to scoot down so they can have their food tray to themselves.  If the movie had already started and you didn’t want to leave, then again use the Assertive Boundaries Solution, saying with a smile, “Which of you is going to hold your tray? I’m done holding it. I want to watch the movie without this on my lap.”  You might even add, as if it were an after thought, “Hey, let’s trade seats, so it’s easier for you to get your popcorn.”

Since it seems that you have been using Invisible with your friends even before this event, you are going to have to retrain them, so they understand that you are a different person now. When you do first start speaking up more, you can expect they are going to push back. This is an unconscious attempt to get you to back to your old self, the you that used to go along with everything. This is not a problem. This is not evil. It’s just human nature. They are calibrated to the old you. You simply need to be consistent as they try to mildly intimidate or cajole you into giving in. They’ll catch on.  Have some fun with it and see how much humor you can use as you retrain them.

Smile and please pass the popcorn,

Joan Casey  www.joancasey.com

Founder of Boundaries: Solutions for Life

A Little Note To Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners,

If you read into the tone of popcorn’s letter you’ll sense things “happening to her”. This is a sign of someone who has a victim position in life -someone who doesn’t take responsibility for her actions. She won’t be helped by telling her that other people should act in tolerance, good will, generosity or fairness. With that information she will only assess that her friends aren’t like that and that, indeed, she has once again been done wrong.  She is not empowered to make a change or step out of her damaging victim position. I’ve always found that people who are truly interested in better relationships don’t blame others. They take a look inside to find out what’s been going on with them.  Once they understand classic relationship dynamics and the six boundaries solutions styles, they take charge of their relationships and change what is going on.   Cheers, Joan

Joan Casey M.S.W.

Founder- Boundaries Solutions for Life

www.joancasey.com

Our mission: “To motivate and train people to create the relationships they really want.”

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