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The Boundaries How to set boundaries and give feedback while staying connected! When you are going to tell someone what is bothering you, how do you do it? Do you use an “Invisible Boundary” style so they don’t really pay attention to you? Are you using an “Intrusive Boundary” style so they feel blown out of the water when you speak? Here is a link to the six boundary problem styles so you can look at what you’ve been doing wrong in relationships: There is an art to sharing your boundaries and doing it in a way that is solid and caring. First of all, when you are about to set a boundary with someone, ask yourself “What is my goal?” And remember, “To tell him what a jerk he is” is not a goal. That is a reaction. Before you speak, stop and figure out your complete goal. If you do this then “Telling my co-worker to keep his hands off my computer!” may evolve into “Having my co-worker stop using my computer while we still maintain a great working relationship with each other.” See the difference? Once you are clear about your goal you want to package it in a way that the other person will actually be able to hear it. For most people, when they get told a boundary or feedback, they get scared or defensive. It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not that hard to take a moment and make a Boundaries Sandwich ©. It’s a way to deliver data in way that is easy to digest. Here is the format for the Boundaries Sandwich©: Bread: A positive connecting statement, appreciation or acknowledgment AND (the mayonnaise)
Meat: The new boundary or feedback
AND (the mustard)
Bread: A positive connecting statement, appreciation or acknowledgment Here’s a few examples: For someone you’ve been dating who shows up late:
For a co-worker who took your extra pens without asking:
For your friend who is giving you a massage:
The Boundaries Sandwich© method is great for setting boundaries with someone where your goal includes maintaining a good working relationship or caring feelings. Do you have to actually like the person to deliver a sandwich? Absolutely not. Look at the second example and see how she found appreciations or acknowledgements that don’t have anything to do with liking her co-worker. When delivering your sandwich, it usually helps if you are friendly and keep an open, warm expression on your face. If you are too charged up, go for a walk to let off some steam first. If appropriate for the relationship, you can also give a hug or a gentle touch on the shoulder while delivering the sandwich. This conveys “While I do have something to address with you, we are also connected and I care about you.” Sometimes you will need to change the intensity of your boundary or change the actual boundary solution you use. For more ideas come to one of our fun free seminars, check out the articles on our website www.joancasey.com or, if you really want to get a deep and lasting change in how you do all your relationships, come to one of our two-day Boundaries Training Intensives. Be sure to register ahead of time because these two-day events sell out ahead of time. Joan Casey M.S.W. Founder- Boundaries Solutions for Life www.joancasey.com Our mission: “To motivate and train people to create the relationships they really want.” Copyrighted 2006 Boundaries: Solutions for Life For more information visit www.joancasey.com
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