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How To Retrain Your Partner & Friends or What Happens When You Stop Playing Games When you stop using damaging unconscious games, such as The Dance of Drama and the Push Me Pull You Dance, (click this link to find these articles) http://www.joancasey.com/Relationship_Rescue_Self_Confidence_Setting_Boundaries_Articles.htm you will no longer mindlessly fall into giving away your time, energy and power. You stop acting from fear of abandonment, rejection or conflict. Instead, your integrity, heart and goals are your driving forces. But what happens if your relationships with others were originally based on you playing one of these unconscious dances? What if your friends are used to you being the overgenerous rescuer or the helpless victim? What if your lover is used you always acquiescing to his or her desires and now you don’t? You Are Breaking An Unwritten Contract When we first meet someone, we immediately start creating an unconscious contract with them about how we are to be treated by them and what they can expect from us. Our boundaries styles, good or bad, are what set this up. If you say you are going to meet me at 5:00 and at 6:00 you finally show up and I say nothing, we have the beginnings of our unwritten contract: I don’t expect you to respect me or my time. I am not valuable. I will not complain if you discount me. You don’t need to follow through on your agreements with me. And so on. By not speaking up or saying what works me, I am training you it is OK to treat me this way. Everyday we are training other people how to treat us. By our actions, or lack of action, we spell it out and create our unwritten contracts. When a client comes to see me in therapy and tells me how horribly someone is treating them, my first questions usually are, “Now how would they ever have gotten the idea that it is okay to treat you this way? How did you help set this up? And what are you still doing to maintain this situation?” And we start looking at their boundaries styles. Well, once you learn healthy boundaries and start using the Boundaries: Solutions for Life methods, you’ll know how to change these dynamics. You stop letting others manipulate you. Your fears will no longer drive your decisions. You’ll be solid and on track. You’ll be different. But, yikes! What happens when you stop playing games? Everyone else is used to the “old you”. You are now “retraining” them. Through your actions you are letting them know who you are and how you want to be treated. While you are living your new relationship patterns, you might hear some classic phrases. Others unconsciously use these to pull you back into your old roles. Here are a few: You don’t care anymore. You don’t love me. What’s wrong with you? You’ve changed. You are selfish. I used to be able to count on you. You don’t seem interested anymore. Why are they doing this? What is going on? Wouldn’t everyone in your life be happy that you’ve finally found your own center of peace…that you are calm and happy? Well, the answer is – yes and no. “Yes”, someone who loves you will want you to find peace. And, “no”, because the original bond between the two of you was, in part, dependent on both of you playing out specific, damaging roles. And now that you are no longer playing your role, that part of the bond is gone. Imagine how it is for your friend or partner who in watching you change. It’s confusing. You’ve always over given, rescued and put everyone else’s goals before your own. And now, all of a sudden, you won’t drop everything for them. You won’t hand over your last $500 dollars when he wants it. You decide to break off a dinner date when she tells you, once again, that she decided to push it back another day so she can see her friends first. Underneath it all, you simply don’t have that old anxiety or neediness that used to keep you off living the pathological roles. You are doing relationships in a whole new way. Your friends and family might feel angry, confused, scared or threatened. And why not? You are breaking the unwritten contract you created with them. In a sense, to them, you are betraying them. But really, this is not a bad thing. It is simply a change. Look Out For This! When you first start stepping out of your old roles, for example the roles in the Dance of Drama (Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor), your partner very likely will try out different roles to try to get you back into the dynamic and reaffirm your bond. (If you haven’t read the relationship dances articles yet, please read them today. You can find links at the end of this article.) So if you used to be a rescuer, he will play out his typical victim role to reengage you. If that doesn’t work, he will be an even bigger victim to see if that gets you back in the game. Then he might switch to persecuting you. Then he’ll probably try the “Abandonment Move” by pulling away. Maybe then he’ll be apologetic and start to rescue you. Two things I want to remind you of; he is doing this unconsciously and he is not doing this to be malicious. It is simply an attempt to reaffirm the connection. If you want to keep the relationship with this person, what should you do? Since you are taking away one way of bonding, you need to add a new positive way of bonding and affirming the connection. He needs to know you are not going away and that you still care. Use the healthy boundaries solution style, Engaged. Here are some ideas: -Call him out of the blue to tell him something you appreciate about him. -Send her a card, telling her something positive you love about being with her. -Tell him about things in your shared future that excite you. -Share new experiences together. And if in your “old” relationship with them there was lots of drama from fighting and disagreements, you want to be sure to have some dramatic experiences in your “new” relationship. But from now on have the drama based on excitement from positive shared experiences; take an acting class together, ride a roller coaster, go on a trip together. Remember, they need the reassurance that you are still there and you still care. You might want to explain to your partner the relationship dynamics you have learned. Tell her that by changing your behavior you are trying to create a better relationship with yourself and with her. And if they have not attended the Boundaries & Relationships Training, see if they will come. In two days they will change their attitude about relationships and stop trying play out these old destructive dances with you. You can look forward to relationships growing and getting healthier as you use your healthy relationship tools. Sometimes You Might Want To End A Relationship Once you stop playing out your old damaging roles, you might discover that there are a few relationships that you want to end. That’s fine. You don’t have to make a big announcement or blame them. Don’t make it about them, because it’s not. It’s about you. You have changed and have different desires now. There is nothing wrong with them. They are the perfect friend or mate for someone. Just not you. Not any more. Some relationships will just fall away. Once you stop playing the game, the attraction is gone. Some people really don’t know how to be in a relationship that isn’t based on these damaging patterns. Most relationships will evolve as you keep using your new healthy boundaries. And, of course, relationship choices you make in the future will be based on you being powerful, loving and in your integrity. Again, here is the link to the relationship dances articles. Feel fee to print them out and share them! Please, keep our information on them, and print them in full. http://www.joancasey.com/Relationship_Rescue_Self_Confidence_Setting_Boundaries_Articles.htm Joan Casey M.S.W. Founder- Boundaries Solutions for Life Our mission: “To motivate and train people to create the relationships they really want.” Copyrighted 2006 Boundaries: Solutions for Life |