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Bonding Through Bitching Boundaries: Solutions for Life Sometimes you might deal with your fears or frustrations by complaining and gossiping. When you connect with someone this way, you are “bonding through bitching”. This is not a good idea. If you want to have healthy relationships, you have to be very aware how you connect with other people. How do you get and give attention? Are you most animated when gossiping about your boss’s shortcomings? If so, you are training people that you are the kind of person who uses negativity to feel close. Not only are you setting up a damaging relationship, you are hurting yourself. When you habitually just blow off steam by gossiping and complaining, instead of dealing with the situation, you actually are using up the energy that was meant to fuel new boundary behaviors. If you connect through bad stories or negativity, now is the time to stop it. If someone wants to gossip with you here are a few ideas you can use:
Firm Boundary Solution -Tell them that you’ve decided to not talk about other people any more Assertive Boundary Solution -Playfully say, “Oh, not that again. Let’s switch the channel.” Engaged Boundary Solution -Change the subject to something positive you both enjoy. Disengaged Boundary Solution -Leave the room Engaged Boundary Solution -Share your insights about gossip and why you’ve decided to stop Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. Anonymous It may be a little awkward at first as you teach yourself new ways to get relating, but you are worth it. When you are clear about what kind of person you want to be then it will easier to choose your behaviors, even if you feel afraid or someone else doesn’t like it. It’s easier to step forward with your new behaviors when you remember that you have a bigger reason for the change. Hold your vision of who you want to be and that will guide you. When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, –Audre Lorde Joan Casey M.S.W. Founder- Boundaries Solutions for Life www.joancasey.com Copyrighted 2006 Boundaries: Solutions for Life For more information visit www.joancasey.com |