(Due to the number of requests for this information, this chapter is being shared with you in its current state,
as a work in progress. I hope you enjoy it and have a chance to see it when it is done.)

Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lots of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can

sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

-Robert F. Kennedy

You want to change your relationships at home and work, and with family and friends? Well, you’ve learned what to stop doing, now it’s time to learn what to start doing. Once you know what to do in those sticky situations, you’ll find life gets so much easier. Not only does it get easier, you actually are helping others. Any time you are clear with your boundaries you send out a message, a ripple, to everyone around you. Your child learns how to be a person of integrity, your peers reexamine their behavior, the circle of people around you have the opportunity to rise to a whole new standard. And here you thought you were the only one who’d get the payoff!

As you read these solutions, notice which ones seem easy for you and which ones seem difficult. Some of these will seem familiar to you already-great! Notice ways that you already successfully use them. Also, be aware if you over use them. Sometimes the ones that seem the easiest get misused, inadvertently creating boundary dilemmas. For example, people who are very good at using Flexible solutions occasionally will find themselves using Invisible dilemmas as well.

Other boundary solutions will seem more difficult or foreign to you. These are the ones you'll need to make even a greater commitment to practicing. You might find yourself saying "No way. I couldn't do that!" or "That's just not my style."

There is no such thing as “I can’t”.

How much do you want it? Anything can be done.

-Jack Canfield

Yes, you can do that and maybe it's time that it becomes part of your style. When you create boundaries consciously, you create solutions instead of problems. Rather than mindlessly repeating old patterns, you decide which solutions to use to create the types of relationships you want

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.

-William J.H. Boetcker

The Firm Solution: Setting Non-negotiable Limits

Its 10:45 at night and the phone is ringing. Beverly is already in bed. “Who is calling me this late? Everybody knows not to call me.” A few months ago she had told all her friends and family that she wouldn’t take phone calls after 10:00. It was a way for her to catch up on her sleep and have some time for herself.

She fumbles for her robe, “Maybe it’s an emergency.” She picks up the phone and it’s Emma, her neighbor down the street. Beverly had been helping her pick out some new plants for her yard and wanted to pass a few ideas by Beverly before she went shopping the next day. Beverly said, “Emma, I know you want to talk about this right now, but it’s too late for me. Let’s talk in the morning before you go out.”

Emma said, “Well, couldn’t I just ask you a couple of things right now?”

Using Firm with a friendly tone of voice, Beverly said, “No, I’m not going to do that now. And I’d be happy to tomorrow. You didn’t know this, but I ask folks to not call me after 10:00, so let’s do it tomorrow.”

After getting back in bed, the phone rings again. This time it is Cindy, her friend and employee. “Oh, Beverly, I know you don’t want people to call you after 10:00 but I just had to tell you about this great program I found out about. It’s a long-distance course where you...”

“Cindy,” Beverly interrupted, “It’s after 10:00 and you’re calling me about this? I don’t want you to call me this late unless it is an emergency. I really mean it. I’m not going to talk with you now. I’m going back to bed.”

Beverly is using the Firm boundaries solution. She is clear about her non- negotiable limits. Notice how she was friendlier when sharing them with her neighbor because Beverly had forgotten to tell her and a little more abrupt with Cindy because she had already asked Cindy to respect her boundaries. If she continues to call, Beverly could act more annoyed, set her limit in a stronger way and ask Cindy to respect it. This is one way to change the intensity. Have you ever called your dog and he doesn’t come and doesn’t come, until you use “that voice” and all of a sudden, he shows up? Remember, when setting boundaries, if what you are doing doesn’t work, change the intensity or try a different boundary solution.

When you use Firm you are setting and maintaining limits that are non-negotiable. Since Firm solutions are specific, you need to be clear with yourself about what you want and what is important to you. You state reasonable, specific limits and guidelines that are grounded in your value system, good self-care, and respect. You can use Firm while still being supportive, caring and connected. Notice in the chart (available in printed booklet version) how the lines for Firm are solid and strong while there are still small openings for you to notice others.

If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you.

-T.S. Eliot

Here are a few more examples of how to use Firm:

“I will not continue dating you unless you are actively involved in an alcohol treatment program.”

“I understand that you usually arrive everywhere late. That just doesn’t work for me. We need to set something else up because I am not willing to wait for you each time we have a meeting.”

To a child, “No, you can’t go shopping with your friends. You didn’t finish your homework and you know you aren’t allowed to do anything else till you are done.”

With Firm, you maintain your stance even if others hassle or argue. You don’t collapse because your child says they hate you, or your partner says you just don’t love them. Sometimes the most loving thing you can ever do for someone is to maintain your limits even if they end up rejecting you. Your integrity is bigger than your fears.

When using Firm, you need to follow through with your game plan. Otherwise, you are simply training someone that you are not to be believed. Don’t give in and let your child go to the mall. Don’t give your employee that big raise, after she continued to disregard your warnings about missing deadlines.  Don’t keep dating your boyfriend, in hopes that someday he’ll start the alcohol treatment program.

Notice you don't say "You have to go to an alcohol treatment program." You simply give information, “If you choose to continue this behavior, I won’t be here.”  If you choose A, I choose B. Someone else’s limits, values and priorities may be different than yours. If your partner chooses to continue drinking, even though he knows you will leave him, he has showed you his priorities through his actions- no matter what he says, drinking is number one. You are not. It doesn’t matter what you want his priorities to be. What matters is what they are. Stop arguing with reality. You’ll never win.

It can be helpful to let others know when you are setting a non-negotiable limit because sometimes when you set limits it is actually negotiable. You have some leeway and are open to creating a compromise using the Flexible boundary solution.

What It's Not

Using Firm does not means holding a “one-up” righteous attitude or getting into a power struggle. You can be kind and sweet and still give someone else information about you and your limits.  Firm is not based in fear, threats, or intimidation. Be clear about what you want before setting limits. If you are setting limits that include a consequence, you had better be sure that you have decided this is a choice you are willing to stand behind and then do it.

Firm is not to be used as a pendulum swing to compensate for passive behavior. If you swing from Rigid to Invisible and back again, internally you might feel balanced, but those around you will feel resentful and confused. Clear up your saved resentments and strengthen your resolve to speak up at the start, where it is needed most.

If you share from the beginning of a relationship what you like or don’t like, you won’t corner yourself into using rigid ultimatums.

It is easier to be clear about your boundaries from the start than

to do clean up work later.

Parenting Effects

Children need to experience a variety of boundary solutions to develop a solid basis for their future relationships. When you parent using a Firm solution, you set reasonable non-negotiable limits that reflect the age, abilities, and behaviors of your child. These limits change, not in the moment, but as a result of thought-out decisions that reflect your child's development and the situation.

A child's job is to explore and to test limits and boundaries so he can learn about identity, rules, and outcomes. Children who have been raised with Firm solution styles have experienced what it's like to come up against a boundary and find that it will be maintained in the face of their testing. They learn that you, the parent, are trustworthy and when you say “no” you mean “no”. When you say “yes” you mean “yes”. Feelings of security and trust develop, in part, from experiencing Firm solutions.

For example, when I first started working with Angela, all her kids had to do to get their way, was to say to her, “You don’t love me. I wish you weren’t my mom.” Then she would collapse into her fear and give way to her kids’ demands, trying to prove she loved them. Of course, this is terrifying to a child to know they have that much power over their parent. Now, she simply smiles, says, “Well, that too bad. You are stuck with me and I’ve got the paperwork to prove it! And you still have to clean your room.” If you ever try to prove to anything anyone, you are destined to run into boundary problems. You simply have to know what you know about yourself and leave it at that.

From Firm solutions children learn to work within limits, to deal well with authority figures, and to be able to follow rules. By internalizing your role modeling, they also are able to stand up for themselves, respecting limits set by themselves and others.

Children need a balance of Firm and Flexible solutions. If a parent over-uses Firm, applying it to situations arbitrarily or unnecessarily, then it becomes a Rigid problem. While you, of course, are the parent and are set the guidelines, be aware of ways you can honor Firm limits your child may want to set. Maybe he wants his room off-limits unless you knock first. Then decide if you agree and discuss any exceptions to the limit such as concerns of safety.

Oh yes, one last hint. Don't ask a “yes or no” question unless you are willing to accept a “yes” or a “no” for the answer. Save your “yes or no” questions for Yielding or Adaptable solution styles. If you need your child to go to the store with you, don't ask, "Do you want to go to the store?” Let him know you're going to the store, that you need him to come with you and when to get in the car.

Building Your Firm Boundaries Solution

As with all the boundaries solutions, the way to strengthen this solution is practice it and then put it into action. If you have fear or blocks about using this solution, use the methods in the section ___, to help you release the blocks and create new templates. For Firm here are a few ideas to get you started:

Firm Do’s and Don’ts

Do know what is important to you and what you want.

Do stay solid in the face of conflict.

Do practice using a firm voice and body stance.

Don’t answer before you are clear about what you want. Be specific.

Don’t sound vague or hesitant.

Don’t let others reactions and complaints take you off track.

Why It's Useful

The Firm boundary solution is useful because it lets others know where you stand. It requires that you know what you think and feel about a situation. This clarity helps you be honest with yourself and others. The Firm solution helps create trust in relationships. It lets others know that you are truthful- you say what you mean and are willing to follow through. This also builds respect. With Firm you get straight to the point and share your "bottom line.”

Hesitancy invites others to challenge you.

Stand self-assured, strong and calm in your decisions.

If you find it is easy for you to use Firm, double check and be sure that it is just as easy for you to use Flexible, the next boundary solution. If not, you may be overdoing Firm and actually using Rigid.

When you are comfortable using Firm, you’ll easily share your limits without waiting until you are a boiler waiting to explode. You listen to the others, acknowledge what is important to them and then share your boundaries. You know how to agree to disagree. You know if it is appropriate to switch to a negotiable boundary style or continue using Firm.

The Flexible Solution: Setting Negotiable Limits

Matt and Greta are discussing their kitchen remodel job.

Greta says, “I was thinking it’d look great to have fresh green and blue theme with a tile floor and modern free-standing stove.”

After listening, Matt says, “I like the idea of a country style kitchen with an antique look and yellow walls."

Great sits back and closes her eyes. Using Flexible, she tries on the possibilities as she imagines the kitchen just the way Matt described it. She notices what feels right to her and what doesn’t. After a moment, she says, “I still really like the idea of blue and green. How would it work together in a country kitchen? The modern stove idea isn’t really as big a deal to me as the color scheme.”

“It might work. I just want something that’s not going to be cold.” Through back and forth sharing, they negotiate till they come up with something that works for both of them.

Greta had decided to focus on using Flexible when discussing their new kitchen. For Greta, it was new to quietly sit back on let Matt’s ideas impact her. She used to push her way without listening to Matt. Matt, on the other hand, was used to being Invisible. So he made himself speak up about his ideas. It sure was easier, when Greta was so receptive.

Notice in the chart, there is a visible line because you do have desires, yet it is not a thick wall. It is thinner so you can easily change it. Also, there are openings so you can be affected by others desires and feedback. When you use Flexible you know what you want and clearly state it. Then you listen carefully to your partner’s desires. You are genuinely open to listen and get curious about how to work together.

You are open to compromise, whether it be a kitchen remodel, financial agreement or holiday plan. When you compromise using Flexible, you know you haven’t lost out on anything, in fact, you have gained something because you realize that you are able to reach the bigger goal you want to achieve, harmony in relationship. There are other benefits as well. In fact, many businesses have taken a quantum leap in profit when they stepped aside from “how we’ve always done it” and listened to an employee’s new ideas for products or production.

When you use Flexible you are happy and calm after the final agreement is made. You once you’ve decided negotiate your initial plan, you really do let go and are happy with the outcome. You enjoy that country kitchen, yellow paint and all.

It takes a big person to let go of the smaller details and keep their eye on the bigger picture. If you can’t do this, you end up acting like a child, every decision ends up being a battle of trying to get your way, even on the smallest detail.

What It's Not

As with any boundary solution, using Flexible does not mean that you end up doing something that is morally wrong to you. It means you are letting go of a desire or preference, not a value. Using Flexible does not mean having no opinion. You are sincere about your desires and share them openly. Flexible is not agreeing to someone else’s game plan and then trying to get them to feel guilty later as you sigh and moan about the kitchen.

Being Flexible by default because you are too afraid to speak up, is not using Flexible. That is using the Invisible boundary problem style. And it is a problem because you will end up feeling resentful and unseen. Learn to speak up for yourself instead of pretending something is O.K. with you when, in reality, it’s not.

Parenting Effects

When children are parented with Flexible boundaries, they learn to problem solve instead of just obey.  They learn to negotiate, coming up with alternative game plans. As they try out other ideas, they may push the limits, but they are testing their power and just how far is too far. They usually develop very reasonable ideas, with one or two outer limits tossed in just to see if you are listening. Some parents even use Flexible when coming up with consequences for breaking rules. They tell their child that the child will need to come up with a reasonable consequence and they, the parent, with then accept or veto it. Often the child will come up with something stricter than the parent would have.

Children, who have been parented with Flexible solutions styles, learn that they are important; that what they think and feel is important. They internalize that they are worthy of respect and that they can think for themselves. Personal power is developed, in part, by parenting with Flexible boundaries. My mother was a good role model for using Flexible. One a rainy Saturday, when we had a planned for an outdoor picnic at the zoo, our plans seemed ruined. She placed the packed picnic basket in the middle of the living room floor and said, “Well, it looks our picnic is going to change. I want to take it and go to the indoor aquarium. What do you girls want?” We spent the next 15 minutes brainstorming ideas and ended up bundling up and going to a big outdoor picnic shelter near the beach, coming home later for hot chocolate.

If you overdo it, by only using Flexible, your child will have difficulty as an adult. Especially when dealing with strict rules or authority figures. He will also have difficulty setting limits internally with himself.

If you are wondering whether to use Flexible in the moment with your child, ask yourself, “Why not?” If you can’t really come up with a good reason, then try it. By the way, “Because we’ve always done it that way,” is not a good reason.

Building Your Flexible Boundaries Solution

Practice your new solutions at home and with friends then put it into action. It helps to give yourself an assignment to do something specific every day using your new solution.  For Flexible here are a few ideas to get you started. If you need to develop Flexible:

Flexible Do’s and Don’ts

Do be open to all possibilities.

Do let go trying to control people.

Do compromise

Don’t get stuck in your stubbornness.

Don’t hold a negative attitude.

Don’t think you know the only way to accomplish a task.

Why It's Useful

The Flexible boundary solution is useful because you learn that you don’t always have to get things your way and you will still survive. You will feel the power of letting go and the pleasure of pleasing others. It helps you focus on your big plans instead of getting caught in little battles. Also, since you are willing to compromise, others will find it easier to compromise with you. They know that they can trust you to be real about the important things when they’ve seen you use both Firm and Flexible effectively.  You also get to have a lot more fun, since part in any relationship is knowing how to compromise, you’ll know how to do it and move on.

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.
-Japanese proverb

When you are comfortable using the Flexible solution style, you are relaxed and calm when letting go of your original game plan. You know how to listen to others and sense what is important to them. You are honest with yourself, if what you are compromising is really O.K. with you. You know if and when to switch to using Firm.

If is extremely easy for you to use Flexible and you use it often, notice if you are at all uncomfortable with disagreeing and holding your ground. If so, you may need to strengthen the Firm solution.

The Disengaged Solution: Disconnecting and Letting Go

After Michael and Angela learned about the Drama Triangle, they both saw their part in the dance.  Michael persecuted Angela when he was angry. He would say cutting mean things in the moment and later regret it. Angela would act like a victim, silently taking it all in. Angela decided to use Disengaged as a way to help stop the pattern.

When he started getting mean, Angela would say, “Michael, I am not willing to have you speak to me this way. I am going to go read in the other room and will be happy to talk with you later. I want solve this problem with you but not like this.” Then she would leave the room. Even though it was hard for Angela at first, now they are able to resolve things with less hurt.

See in the chart how the two squares are far apart? Unlike Distant, when you use Disengaged, you peacefully and consciously decide to break off your current connection, either for the moment or permanently. You use Disengage by taking a time out during a heated argument, by hanging up the phone on a sales call or deciding to get a divorce. You are disconnecting from someone else and pulling your focus inward. 

If you are using Disengaged with someone you care about and want to maintain a relationship with, you always tell them what you are doing and why, where you are going and when you will be back. “I am so angry right now, I need to take a break because I care about our relationship and want to talk with you when I’m going be more reasonable. I am going to go walk around the park to cool off and I will be back at 6:00.” Then, no matter what, you are back at 6:00, even if it is just to check in and say that you need more time and will be back again at 8:00. It is never, ever O.K. to just turn and leave. That is the abandonment move and the beginning of very damaging game- The Push Me- Pull You Dance.

If you are in a disagreement and you are clearly going in circles, it is a good time to use Disengaged. You are both stuck and wasting your time. If you want you can plan to meet again later or you can decide that this discussion is simply a dead end street and will probably have no resolution. Remember, you do not need to get the other person’s agreement for you to use Disengaged. When I receive a sales call I kindly ask, “Is this a sales call? I’m sorry, I don’t take sales calls on this line. Good luck to you.” And then I hang up. I don’t wait for them to agree or say they understand. I just gently place the phone back on the receiver and get back to whatever I was doing.

If someone doesn’t want you to use Disengage, they are never going to “give you permission” to use it. So don’t wait. You simply do it because you know, in that situation that is the boundaries solution that is most in integrity for you to use at that time. They might feel hurt and, actually, that is not always a bad thing.

You are uncomfortable on date because of your date’s aggressive moves. You ask him to stop touching you and he keeps doing it. You tell him if he doesn’t stop, you are going to leave and take a cab home. He keeps touching you and you use Disengage by leaving. If he feels hurt, angry or sad, this is not a bad thing. It is good feedback so he can reexamine his behavior. Don’t try to take away someone’s bad feelings. They need them to learn.

When it is time to let go, have the courage to let go.

Holding on any longer creates resentment and low self-respect.

When you’ve decided this is the solution to use and put it into action, be careful that you don’t give a mixed message by backpedaling once you’ve taken action. If you use Disengaged with that guy at the bar that you have no interest in, and then flirt with him after he shifts his energy elsewhere you are giving a mixed message. Stop and get clear about what you want and then follow through.

What It's Not

Disengaged is not the abandonment move, even though some people might take it as such. You can be kind and conscious when using this solution. Unlike the abandonment move, Disengaged is not fueled by anger or a desire to manipulate. It is a clean, thought out decision, even if you are angry in the moment.

If you use Disengaged because you don’t know how to deal with conflict or share your feelings, it isn’t Disengaged. That is Distant and you are using it by default. Strengthen your other boundary solutions so you don’t just fall back on this one.

Parenting Effects

Because your child is not grown-up and still depends on you for their grounding and feeling of security, you want to be very careful how and when you use Disengaged. When you parent using the Disengaged boundaries solution, you have decided to give minimal attention to your child for a specific reason. For example, my parents used Disengaged to deal with my teenage sister’s annoying new habit of whining when she wanted something. They told her, “While we are happy to discuss what you want, we will not listen to you whining. So if you whine, that will be the end of the conversation and we will not discuss that topic until tomorrow.” When she whined, they Disengaged from the conversation by ending the conversation, while staying in the room. They then asked if she wanted to talk about anything else, since the previous conversation was over. It took only three days of them using Disengaged in this way, till she stopped whining.

The best way to use Disengaged, with children is to not to completely end the connection in the moment, like you would with an adult, but to end the type of interaction, like above.

Unfortunately, many parents don’t use Disengaged in a way that makes sense. They give the least attention to their kids when they are doing something useful or positive- the old “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” philosophy. Then they give the most attention to their children when they are misbehaving. The attention given by yelling, scolding or nagging is high-energy and high-impact.  And since children are attention hungry and look to their parents more than anyone else for attention, this satisfies the hunger and trains them to misbehave again to get more.

One way of using Disengaged, is to correct your child by using a neutral manner and move onto something else.  Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley’s book Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach has a wonderful step-by-step description of appropriate use of attention and non-attention, which is one form of using Disengaged and Engaged boundary solutions. By using this method many parents have had complete turn arounds with children who seemed hopelessly out of control.

From the appropriate use of Disengaged boundary solutions, children learn how to monitor their behavior and develop self-control. They learn to stop and think before taking action.  By using you as a role model, they also develop an ability to disengage from negative situations and still save face, instead of having to stay and fight.

Building Your Disengaged Boundaries Solution

You can create contracts to help you put your new solutions into action. Make them measurable so you know if you did it or not. If you difficulty with separation or fear of abandonment it will help if you address those issues, so you can use Disengaged more easily.

Disengaged Do’s and Don’ts

Do disconnect your energy to others and focus on yourself instead.

Do learn to enjoy being with yourself.

Do practice initiating ends with meetings, phone calls and dates.

Don’t linger, waiting for others approval for you to go.

Don’t be harsh or abrupt unless it is called for.

Don’t use the abandonment move.

Why It's Useful

The Disengaged boundary solution is useful because it helps you cleanly and clearly end something that needs to stop. It gives you permission to let go. It also helps you step out of fruitless situations or captivating games.

There are some situations where you just need to realize things aren’t going to change and they aren’t ever going to be acceptable to you. The Disengaged solution helps you realize that moving on doesn’t mean you failed, it means you’ve acknowledged the reality of the situation and have decided to let go.

When you are comfortable using Disengaged you can end conversations or relationships without feeling anxiety. You are peaceful and calm, while clearly deciding whether it is to your best interests to continue things, end it or take a break.

The Engaged Solution: Connecting by Initiating or Responding

I was recently at the copiers and noticed a middle-aged woman, next to me doing a rush job. She had circles under her eyes. I looked down and saw she was working on a funeral announcement. There was a picture of an elderly man and an Irish verse.

I said to her, “So, he was Irish?”

She looked into my eyes and said, “Yes, he’s Irish.”

I shared, “My dad was Irish, too. We played Irish songs at his funeral.”

She easily shared a few things about her father who had suddenly passed away. I gave her an arm around the shoulder hug. And she, let go a deep breath and said, “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Both of us used the Engaged boundaries solution. I reached out, initiating connection, with an empathic comment. She responded by accepting it and sharing something about herself. Her loneliness of the moment was eased because of our connection. What if she hadn’t responded to my first gentle connection? That’s O.K. It’s better to risk offering connection and having it turned down than to ignore the situation. To avoid taking action because of fear of rejection makes for a pretty small life.

See on the chart how the two squares are touching? They are connecting but not overlapping as they were with Enmeshed. When you use the Engaged boundaries solution you are doing something to open the door to connection. You might be reaching out with friendlessness or empathy. Or you might be responding by opening up and sharing.

When you initiate you are being empathic, interested or friendly. It can be as simple as asking someone about his hobbies or giving a compliment. Or as sensitive as asking if someone needs help when you notice tears in their eyes or helping someone pick up a bag of groceries they just dropped. You look and listen for what someone is feeling or needing. This doesn’t necessarily mean you dive in with a quick fix to their problems. Sometimes, you simply listen.

To connect with a stranger you might open the door by to connection by asking about something non-threatening. Mention the weather. Compliment them on their unusual jewelry and ask about it. Notice the book they are reading and see if they like it. You might say, “That’s a great tee shirt. What does that logo mean?” Or if someone is in need or pain, reach out to him or her. Share kindness and understanding.

When responding using Engaged you do something that creates connection. You make a friendly reply. You share something about yourself. If you need help and someone offers to help you, you graciously receive it. Generosity, give and take, is part of basic human nature and if you can’t allow others to give to you, you are denying a key part of the equation.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

–Dale Carnegie

Healthy relationships must have a balance of the two types of Engaged. You might find it easy to talk about yourself, all the time. Do you also know how to simply listen without bringing the focus back to you and your stories and solutions? Or you might be a great listener, but does anyone know anything real about you? When

Cindy’s husband, Randy, took the boundaries training realized that people thought he was distant and aloof. That’s how his Distant behavior and posture came across to others. In reality, he was very lonely and wanted more friends. It wasn’t until he gave himself the daily assignment of using Engaged, both sharing and receiving, that he began to connect with people. He decided to find out something personal about every single person at work and to share something about himself as well. I got an excited phone call from him only two weeks after the Boundaries: Solutions for Life Training. He was going fishing with two of the guys from work.

What It's Not

Engaged does not mean giving to others because you are dancing on the Drama Triangle. The energy behind using Engaged and Rescuing is different. One is caring, the other is compulsive. Knowing when to use each of the different styles is important as well. Each of the six solutions has a right time to be used.

Petting scorpions with a compassionate hand will only get you stung.

-Bushido Wisdom

Even though Engaged includes personal sharing it doesn’t mean sharing everything about you with everyone you meet. Trusting too much too fast and trusting too little too slow are both signs of boundary problems.

Parenting Effects

When children receive Engaged parenting where you are initiating, they learn they matter to you. They feel respected, heard and loved. When you stop and take the time to compassionately listen to your child’s thoughts or problems and take him seriously, he internalizes his own worthiness. He also learns to listen to his own internal cues of emotions and body feelings. By getting to hear himself think out loud with you, he begins to know himself better. This helps him identify who he is and what he wants in life.

With Engaged parenting, children learn that people matter. They develop compassion, caring and sensitivity. They will be able to put themselves in someone’s place and understand others. They learn how to make friends and how to deepen connections to create long-term relationships. Your children develop a healthy balance of being selfish and selfless.

When you share about yourself, they learn that they aren’t always to center of attention as you have needs also. You don’t hand them your adult problems, but you do let them know that you need to take time for yourself. You have needs as well. You teach them that as part of being in the family means they give and take. They are expected to give their time and energy in household chores. You also teach them how to give to others in many ways, including charity work, birthdays and holidays.

From you they learn to step outside of themselves and Engage by giving. Set up a regular system where your family packages food for the homeless, picks up litter at the park or donates time assisting someone in need. If you don’t already do this, start now. There are countless ways connect and be generous to our bigger family on the earth.

Building Your Engaged Boundaries Solution

Watch how other people are successfully using different boundaries solutions and copy them. It doesn’t matter if it feels odd. It should- it’s new to you. If you have a lot of fear around using your new solution, you can deal with those by following the ideas in this book.

Engaged Do’s and Don’ts

Do be vulnerable, open and sharing.

Do make eye contact and respond to others.

Do reach out to give or receive.

Don’t wait for others to initiate contact.

Don’t act shy, aloof or uninterested.

Don’t take rejection personally, it has nothing to do with you.

Why It's Useful

Engaged is useful because it lets you know you are not alone, whether you are giving or receiving. It helps you open up to others so you can develop deeper connections. The ability to step outside of yourself and give to others helps you step out of the pain of your own life. Using engaged, by the way, is how friends are made.

Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver, and this

connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging.
Deepak Chopra

When you are comfortable using Engaged, you will open up conversation with others, without fear that they will reject you. You’ll respond when others initiate connection with you. You easily let others know when you need help and graciously accept it. You will have a strong sense that you of your individuality. At the same time that you’ll sense that you are part of a large interconnected world family.

The Assertive Solution: Making Waves

After dinner, Randy gets up to head off to the T.V. room. Before he get there, Cindy calls out, “Hey honey, I’m getting ready for our play night.” With a laugh, she adds, “Where do you think you are going? Get back here.”

“Oh, yea. It’s Wednesday night,” says Randy. He comes back down the hall. “What do you want to do tonight, honey?”

“Well, let’s either head out to the park with the baby before it gets dark or play a board game. You pick.”

A few months ago Cindy realized she needed to use Assertive in her relationship with her husband Randy. Before, when he would come home from work, he’d disappear watching T.V. while she would silently wait, hoping they’d spend some time together. Now, instead of waiting, she’s instigated two nights a week where they plan ahead to spend some enjoyable time together. On one of those nights, they have a babysitter so they can go out for the evening.

When you use the Assertive solution, you are making waves. You can be funny, loud, subtle, playful or abrupt. You take action, make noise and inspire others. You are a change maker and a leader. You take charge and express your point of view. You aren’t afraid of standing out in a crowd. See in the chart how the main arrows are go outward and small ones are come in? This means most of your energy is sent outward, but you still notice your effect (affect?) on others.

When using Assertive with a group, you bring up something you want to do and present it in a way that influences them to join you on your quest. If you are with a group of friends, just hanging out, you pipe up, “Hey, let’s go downtown. There’s going to be a great outdoor show going on. It will be some wonderful music.” If there are any objections, you deal with them in a friendly easy manner, while continuing to move forward. 

If you just attended a great training and want more, you approach the instructor to find out what it would take to get them to come back and do another event. You get out your calendar, you talk to the other students and you do whatever you can to make it happen. “No” is not a discouraging word to you. It simply means “It’s time to get creative.” Some of our most famous authors made it because they continued to use the Assertive style after being turned down over 50 to 70 times by different publishers.

You are the one at a board meeting who brings up ethical or legal concerns that are being glossed over. And while you try to help others understand the underlying moral issues, you are not afraid of being seen as a loner or traitor if they don’t.  You still hold your ground. You are willing to take a stand. You are not intimidated by scare tactics, bullies or authority figures. With your Assertive style, you make change at home, in business and in community.

I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst,

a "transformer" in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.   

Stephen R. Covey

You have a vision and a dream. You influence others to help you bring it to fruition. If need be, you weave others ideas in with your own as long as it maintains the integrity of your bigger dream. You never lose track of what you want to accomplish.

You gently speak up, “Excuse me, I was next,” when waiting in line and being skipped over.  You calmly point out unapproved extra charges when going over the final bill for your new car. At work, you let your co-worker that you need her to stop using your phone line. If someone touches you in a manner you don’t like you say, “I don’t like that. Stop it.” If necessary, you will take physically action to protect your self or someone else. You are using the Assertive boundary solution when you boldly step in to break up a fight or kick someone to protect yourself in an attack.

Thou shalt not be a victim. Thou shalt not be a perpetrator.

Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

Holocaust Museum, Washington D.C.

One of my favorite ways to use Assertive is through humor. You fall to the floor groaning in hunger when your wife forgets to bring home the promised Chinese food. Then pop up with a grin and ask her if she’d still go get it. Remember the saying “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? It’s true.

Many a romantic evening has been instigated by Assertive solutions. Your sweet whisper, words of adoration and gentle touch is just the right blend of Assertive solutions to lead to more. You even know how to lay the groundwork with other Assertive actions like giving foot rubs or cooking a favorite dish.

What It's Not

Assertive is not about a misuse of power or bulldozing others. It is about consciously deciding what will be the best Assertive approach to get the job done. Whenever possible, you use methods that create harmony. When needed you create a scene or conflict.

Assertiveness is not a self-serving approach to always place your needs above all others. You know it is not that big a deal to let someone go ahead of you in line, in fact, it can be kind of fun. If you easily get bent out of shape and are constantly asserting yourself, take a look at the emotions underneath such driven behavior.

Parenting Effects

Children who receive Assertive parenting learn how to be a part of a team. They can take orders, listen and follow through. You give lots of praise, both verbal and physical, for a job well done, giving most of your attention to what was done well and giving supportive guidance on how to improve the rest.

When you assign a task to you child, he learns that you have confidence in him to do the job. You hold back from micromanaging and yet are sure to give enough guidance so he can succeed. This way he learns to be self-guided and can manage his own time.

When the job is done, together you celebrate the completed task. You give him credit for his part in the team effort and point out how successful he was. This is how self-esteem is built, by meeting a challenge and succeeding. Over time you give him more complex jobs with less guidance and he gains even more confidence as he learns to think for himself and solve problems creatively. He learns that you trust him and respect his skills. Besides lots of love, kids need to know you believe them.

By observing you have goals and taking the action to make them happen, he absorbs your role modeling. He sees how to achieve getting what you want through the balance of action and self-discipline. When he comes up with a goal for himself, you are enthusiastic and supportive. You let him lead the way and give him a helping hand when he needs it.

Building Your Assertive Boundaries Solution

Don’t wait till you need to use your new boundaries solutions before trying them out. That’s liked waiting till you have a flat tire before learning how to change a tire. Be imaginative and come up with as many ways as possible to use your new solutions.

Assertive Do’s and Don’ts

Do stand out, speak up, be seen.

Do learn to enjoy disagreements.

Do be willing to take a risk.

Don’t wait for someone else to act first.

Don’t let fear of conflict get in the way.

Don’t be overpowering, unless it is needed.

Why It's Useful

The Assertive boundary solution is useful because it helps you stay focused and take action. You stop accepting things that are not O.K. with you. You waste less time and you get things done. People, also, know who you are and what is important to you, they don’t have to guess.

When you are comfortable using the Assertive solution style, you easily speak up when it is important and necessary. You are clear and powerful as you speak. You have developed a way to include people in your plans and know how to motivation them to make it happen. You have a sense of your power and are careful when and how you decide to use it.

The Yielding Solution: Riding the Waves

“Let’s just cut off on this little side road. What do you think?” Angela has the window down, enjoying the warm breeze in her hair.

“O.K., whatever you say.” Michael replies, he stops looking at the map and just drives ahead.

“Great. I love finding those lost spots that you never see on the highway,” says Angela. They had planned a picnic and spontaneously Angela had wanted to find somewhere new. Michael just grinned, enjoying their adventure.

Once he started studying the boundaries styles, Michael noticed he really had a hard time not taking charge. So he decided to practice the Yielding boundaries solution. It was uncomfortable at first, he really had to hold back, be quiet and relax. Now, he was enjoying the benefits of knowing how to let someone else be in charge. Angela liked it, too.

When you use Yielding, you are in the flow. You enjoy being part of the crowd and easily blend in.  You have no agenda. You enjoy being in the moment. When you travel, you delight in learning about other cultures and trying on new traditions. At a party, if people are sitting around quietly talking or laughing loudly telling jokes, you just join in the rhythm.

If you don’t know how to follow, you compulsively lead,

even when it is to your detriment.

With Yielding you are receptive to what life has to offer and just ride the waves. You might let your partner plan the vacation that she has always wanted. You are supportive of her ideas, you help when needed and mostly, you just enjoy the ride. You tell her, “Darling, you think of whatever you want to do and I’ll love whatever you decide.” And you do because you can easily follow someone else’s lead. See in the chart how the main arrows are coming in and small ones go out. This means, you let the major influence come from outside of you and you actively decide to join in.

You are open and curious. And you are a master at adapting as you weave your way in and out of an array of situations. As with all the boundary solutions, you keep your core values intact as you open yourself to new possibilities.

What It's Not

The Yielding solution is not about being passive and putting up with whatever comes your way.  It is not pretending something is acceptable when, in reality, it is not. As with all the boundary solutions, while you many adapt and compromise, you never ignore your own value system.

When you use Yielding, it is not because you are fearful or powerless. It is because you feel strong enough and confident enough in yourself that you can let someone else take the reins and enjoy it.

Parenting Effects

When children receive Yielding parenting, they learn that they are independent and have power. As you appropriately choose situations where your child gets to run the show, like planning a party or building a fort, you sit back and enjoy seeing her in action. Later, as you munch on the unusual lunch she’s concocted, you go with the flow and go back for seconds.  She’ll develop her creative spirit as you let her organize her day, instead of you planning every moment.  If need be, you’ll use Assertive or Firm to remind her of limits, but within those limits, she can do whatever she pleases. By being a leader, she’ll take pride in her projects and decisions.

With your role modeling she’ll learn to value the balance of taking charge and of following someone else’s lead. Because of this she’ll be able to work easily in a variety of groups. She'll develop a curiosity and openness for new experiences.

When she spends time with you in the flow, she’ll learn to enjoy being in the now and learn to appreciate simple moments with the family or out in nature. Relaxing will be second nature to her.

Building Your Yielding Boundaries Solution

As with all the boundaries solutions, the way to strengthen this solution is practice it and then put it into action. Make a decision to practice Yielding at some of your next get togethers. It can be fun to tell your partner what you are doing and let them run the show.

Yielding Do’s and Don’ts

Do flow with what is happening.

Do follow others example. Relax and enjoy.

Do be open, curious and accepting.

Don’t take charge or give suggestions.

Don’t have any agenda or game plan.

Don’t be negative.

Why It's Useful

The Yielding solution is useful because you can relax and let go. You open yourself to a whole range of new experiences that you never would have come across if you were running the show. Since you aren’t in charge, you can enjoy the fine art of “Being” where you aren’t living in the future or the past. You are simply here now. Need help? Get the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

When you start letting others take charge, you’ll find that don’t have to do it all alone. What a relief. When you are comfortable using the Yielding boundary solution, you be relaxed as you dive into the flow of the moment. With no agenda, you notice more, like a street singer or bird with a piece of red string. When an unexpected invitation comes your way you are open to say “yes”. You trust yourself to know when to take charge and when to let go.

Your New Boundary Solutions

In every situation you have a choice about how to act. You might look at these boundary solutions and say that some of them seem too hard or it’s just not your personality. That doesn’t matter. There have been plenty of dynamic businessmen who have learned to be gentle. And there are countless shy wallflowers that have learned to speak up. Sure, you’ll always have your preference. But without the ability to use all six, you are like a six-wheeled bus with only five wheels. You’ll always be a little off track and working harder than you need to.

The boundary solutions that seem most difficult to you are exactly the ones you need to develop. If you have a reason why you don’t need one of these solutions, look at your reason, because it’s not a reason, it’s an excuse. And you really deserve more than that. The more boundary solutions you have, the more freedom you have to deal with relationship issues. And the freedom and subsequent skills you will have will far exceed any discomfort you go through to getting there.

Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the human freedoms

-to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,

-to choose one's own way.

-Victor Frankl

Also, the solutions that you use easily and often are the ones you might need to reexamine. Are you overusing it? When you overuse a solution, you turn it into a boundary problem. Observe yourself and start getting curious about what other solutions you could use in the same situation.

Now that you’ve learned the six boundary solutions, let’s take a look at putting them to action. In the next chapter you’ll learn how to plan ahead so you can have success in all of your relationships.