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Boundaries: Solutions for Life Articles

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Chapter 2
www.joancasey.com boundaries and relationships book 

The Six Big Mistakes
 

The significant problems we face cannot be solved

at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."

— Albert Einstein

Every day you experience situations where you need to adjust your boundaries; you need to set a firm limit or take stand. You need to be vulnerable or give way. Unfortunately, if you dive in, using the same approach you always have, it’s not going to work in every situation. The problems you experience in your relationships are because of the style of boundaries you use. Here are the six big boundary mistakes; the problems styles that you unconsciously have been using in your relationships with friends, family, co-workers and strangers. These are the reasons why you end up frustrated, lonely, angry or hurt.

As much as you’d like to blame others for your boundary problems in relationships, it is never about the other person. You say, “Well, if only he wasn’t so pushy, I’d have better boundaries.” Or “If she’d just speak up more or listen better, then I’d have better boundaries.” But it is never, ever, ever about the other person. It is about you. Because there will always be someone in your life who is a bulldozer, a doormat or a pesky flea. That is not the problem. That is life. It is how you respond to each of these different people. You can have healthy boundaries in every situation, regardless of how someone else is behaving.

Life is like a box a chocolates,
you never know what your going to get.

-Forrest Gump

Forrest is right. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never what you are going to get with the next person you meet, but you can sure decide how you are going to handle it. And repatterning your own personal boundary problems styles and the learning the appropriate solutions will help you do it.

The six boundary problems are Rigid, Invisible, Distant, Enmeshed, Intrusive, and Hyper-Receptive.  They are the relationship approaches you use that just don’t work.

Boundary Problem List: Tool

As you read the descriptions, notice how you use more than just one of these styles. Make a list of how you use each style and with whom you use it. Be specific. Look back on past interactions that didn’t work out well and pick out what boundary problem you were using. Once you start to wake up to your old boundary problems styles, it will be harder to mindless fall into using it again. After you are done with your list, think of how others would catagorize you. What would they say is your boundary problem style? Think of friends, family, co-workers, old bosses, lovers, neighbors, strangers and so on. Lastly, ask a few trusted friends what think is yoiur boundary problem style as well. Inwardly, you may feel like you are using Invisible, feeling wounded or unheard, while others would label your problem style as Intrusive, as you bulldoze your way in conversations. All of this is important information to use as you learn to identify and change your steps in the relationship dance.

In the Boundaries: Solutions for Life trainings you will learn how to step out of these problem styles. With our body/mind methods you will imprint new ways of relating.

You might notice some of the descriptions seem to overlap. For example, sometimes Invisible and Hyper-Receptive can feel very similar. Don’t worry. Just read the descriptions and see which problems match what you’ve been using in your relationships. You’ll also see how you can quickly switch from one style to another. For example, you might use Invisible, ignoring your needs and going along with other’s desires, and then suddenly jump into using Rigid as you make ultimatums.

Once you know your destructive moves, you can take the step to change them and to train yourself to choose boundary solutions that work. Let’s take a closer look at the six dilemmas.

Rigid - Too Closed

Pull up a chair- join Angela and Michael at dinner.

Angela: Dinner's ready! Come and eat.

Michael: What is this? (Skeptically lifting a forkful of spaghetti off the plate)

Angela: It's spaghetti. The sauce is in the other serving dish.

Michael: I know that. I mean why are we having this?

Angela: Having spaghetti?

Michael: This spaghetti. You know I only like the thin spaghetti noodles and these are thick!

Angela: It's what we had left in the kitchen.

Michael: Well, I only like thin.

Angela: I know that, but it's all we had.

Michael: I am going to store. (As he goes to get his coat.)

Angela: What? What for?

Michael: I'm going to get the right spaghetti.

Angela: But dinner's all ready.

Michael: It's the wrong spaghetti. I don't eat this type.

Michael's use of the Rigid boundary style does more than give his girlfriend indigestion, it often alienates her and others. He winds up in power struggles. Unless others finally give in and play by his rules, he’ll take his toys and go home. Since there's not much room for negotiation when he's using this style, there's also not much room for others to share different ideas or feelings. Sometimes he seems overly strict or controlling. When he's using this style in full force, nobody gets a break -- not even himself -- as he inwardly sets rigid perfectionist standards for everyone to follow.

The Rigid Problem

We’ve all come up against someone using this style and it’s not very fun or easy. When you use a Rigid boundary dilemma you comes across as inflexible, insensitive or tough. You seem to be oblivious to others' feelings or tastes as you announce, "My way or the highway!" This carries a sense of being hard, absolute, tight and unyielding. With your challenging stubborn edge, room for discussion doesn’t exist.

As you notice in the chart, the walls are thick and solid. There are no openings for input or influence from others. When you use the Rigid style, like when you absolutely refuse to listen to your employees’ ideas to update the company logo, those around you feel shut out and want to give up. It’s like they’re banging their heads against a wall. They may finally explode out of frustration in an attempt to make an opening in your stony wall. Others will give up even trying to make a dent, instead they become over compliant agreeing to everything. Still others will become distant and leave you alone in your castle. The constant battle isn’t worth it.

You may think to yourself, “If it’s that big a deal to them, they should just speak up and take a stand.” Well, not everyone has the same style as you and, as you’ll learn in using boundaries to create healthy relationships, it’s not what you want to have work that counts. It’s what works.

The problem is you are too closed and stuck in doing things your way. Your unyielding style invalidates others feelings, ideas and desires. You may not even be aware that you are doing this. You may be insensitive; meaning: you don’t easily sense others responses. You don’t readily pick up on the clues from others that indicate their desires, feelings or frustration. If this is the case, you can train yourself to look and listen for this kind of feedback.

If you notice yourself using a Rigid Dilemma, take a look inside yourself, underneath a layer of defensiveness or anger, you might find an uncomfortable fear. Maybe you are afraid to trust others or you have set up protection so you don’t lose yourself in the face of others demands. Stop for a moment right now and picture yourself giving way to someone else’s plan. Feel what happens in your body. This fear turns you into a human Berlin Wall where empathy, heart and compassion are lost. Your stance of holds an attitude of  “I’d rather be right than happy.” And you will. You may feel safe and justified, but you also will be alone.

 Parenting Effects

When you parent using a Rigid boundary style, you over use non-negotiable rules and forget to use negotiable rules. This leaves children little room for spontaneity, self empowerment or a sense of self identity. Children raised with Rigid style may use the same rigid style on themselves and others. This may appear as them being fearful of exploring new territory or making mistakes, being overly judgmental to self and others and passively accepting orders without learning to speak up for themselves. Or they may reject the Rigid style in a reactionary manner: acting out by purposely breaking all rules, creating conflicts with authority figures.

Invisible- Too Open

Want to go to the movies? No? Read on.

“Why did I answer the phone when he called? Why did I say yes? I don’t really even like him that much.”, Beverly said to herself.  She absently stared at the glowing red lights from the theater marquee reflecting on the wet pavement.

Larry spoke as he leaned over and pushed the car door open, “We’re here. Come on- the movie is going to start soon. Hurry up, let’s go.” 

Beverly snapped back from her thoughts, “What movie? I thought we were going to pick what we were going to see when we got here.”

Larry said, “There’s this old Clint Eastwood movie playing. It’s starting any minute- it’s great. I thought you’d like it. Let’s hurry up so we can get in.”

“Oh, a Western, O.K.” Beverly smiled as she slid off the seat thinking to herself, “I hate Westerns. There’s three movies here I’d like to see and that’s certainly not one of them.”

Inside the theater, Larry goes to buy a snack. “You want popcorn? I’ll get extra butter on it.”

Beverly nods her head “yes” while thinking, “I don’t want butter.” She smiles and says thanks as Larry hands her the popcorn. “Well, there goes my diet,” she sighs to herself as they walk into the darkened room, knowing that tomorrow she would complain to her friend, Cindy, how Larry got her to break her diet again.

When Beverly uses an Invisible boundary style she ends up feeling put-out, used, resentful or resigned. Her passive acceptance is punctuated, at times, with sighs or subtle jabs. She rarely ends up doing what she wants to do, unless she spends time by herself or with mind-reading friends that will relieve her of her job of speaking up for herself. She ends up blaming others for her own frustrations and lack of fulfillment. Most of Beverly’s friends would be surprised to know she feels this way since all they see is the ever amiable Beverly.

The Invisible Problem

We’ve all met or been Beverly at sometime or other. You tell you friend that the restaurant they picked is just fine, but it really isn’t. And even if they have a sense that you are discontent, they’ll never know for sure unless they decide to play Twenty Questions, because you appear to be quite agreeable. In fact, you may go along with a lot of things you don’t want to. Your mouth says “yes” while your gut yells “no”. This is why you often find yourself feeling misunderstood, used or bruised. You passively allows events to occur, even if they seem personally or morally wrong to you. You usually don’t assert your own desires or needs directly. If anything, you’ll complain to someone else, or simply act a bit put out. Occasionally, you may say what you wants but deliver it without conviction or follow through. You resentfully watch those around you go for and get what they want in life- even if it’s at your expense. If you continue to use this style, your resentment builds to depression, bitterness or martyrdom.

Take a look at the chart. As you can see in the drawing, unlike Rigid with its immovable walls, Invisible has no borders. There is no fence. There are only fence posts hinting at where a boundary might be. Since you are so hesitant to speak up, sometimes others will hesitate stating their own desires as well. This often leads to a muddled confusion where no one ends up feeling satisfied. Because you don’t set your boundaries, some people may guess and will attempt to set them for you. Of course, others will jump inside the fence posts, being controlling, manipulative, intrusive or abusive. Since you don’t take action early on to interrupt their trespassing, you have a build up of anger and resentment when you finally do speak up. Sometimes the dance builds till it escalates with you getting physically or emotionally wounded and wondering “Why does this happen to me?” or “How come I never get what I want?”

The problem is you are too open. You allow others desires and feelings change the direction of your life even though you know that it’s not what you want. You don’t speak up for yourself, state what you want and follow through with it. You allow others to run the show and when you don’t like the results, you say, “Oh, well, it’s not that big a deal.” Or “Gee, they are so pushy.” You don’t give others the chance to know what you like. You are just simply “nice.” With Solutions for Life, you learn to speak your truth, even in the face of others anger or disappointment.

If you look a little deeper, you may discover when you use this style you are operating from a fear of conflict or rejection. It might feel dangerous to you to take a stand and say “no”. Take a moment and picture your self speaking up and disagreeing with someone. Feel what happens inside of you. Do you lose your sense of safety or peacefulness? Maybe your are afraid of anger. Maybe you are afraid of someone thinking you are selfish- that you are a bad person put your desires or needs before someone else’s. Avoiding conflicts or good bye’s seems more important than being who you really are. For more information about boundaries go to www.joancasey.com

Parenting Effects

When you parent using an Invisible style, you often avoid creating rules or structure for your children. When you finally do set some limits, you are not very believable and you do not follow through with consequences. The Invisible style creates a lack of trust or safety. Since children need to feel the safety of appropriate limits, these children may act out by going from one extreme or other. They may run wild, being destructive, pushing to test the limits, trying to find the bottom line. They develop a lack of respect for you and others. Or they may act hesitant, unsure of themselves and their own feelings and desires, perhaps becoming experts at mind reading and co-dependent relationships. If you have a habit of using Invisible boundaries with your children, you may find yourself doing a reactionary pendulum swing, suddenly coming down hard on them with extreme Rigid rules.

Distant -Too Far

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Nobody.”

“Damn!” Randy slammed the wrench to the floor. “What’s going on?” Joe yelled over the loud hum of machinery. “Nothing.” he clipped.  Joe tossed back, “Hey, if you need a hand...” his voice trailed off as he watched Randy heading out the back door of the workroom. After waiting awhile, and no Randy, Joe figured he must have gone home. It was close to quitting time anyway.

Glancing at his watch, Randy downed his last beer, nodded at the bartender and without saying a word turned and headed for the door. As he walked into his house, his wife Cindy, looked up from sorting the pile of laundry on the living room floor. “Honey, where have you been? Dinner was ready two hours ago.”

“I had stuff I had to do.” He mumbled as he headed back to the TV room.

“You want me to heat it up? I put Kathy to bed early, she didn’t have much of a nap today and...” Canned laughter from the back room cut into her words. She half-heartedly called out, “Honey? How was your day?” She sighed to herself, “I wonder where that other blue sock is,” as she sat down alone in the living room.

Randy isn’t really close to anybody and his use of the Distant boundary style keeps it that way. He stays pretty much to himself. Even at breakfast, he’ll be reading a paper giving mandatory grunts in reply to Cindy’s comments. These days she is making fewer attempts to reach out to him.

The Distant Problem

Are you the kind of person who could sit right across the table from someone and still seem a million miles away? People who’ve known you for years don’t even know you? When you use the Distant boundary problem style you often seem aloof, cold, or rejecting as you retreat into your own private, internal world. Many times you aren’t even aware that the message you give others reads “Stay away”. Sometimes you intellectualize or act one-up as a way to stay distant. When you use this style you may distance yourself by physically leaving or by emotionally closing off. Attempts to reach you are often met with irritation- “Just leave me alone” or surprise- “What are you talking about? I am listening.”

When you use the Distant boundary dilemma some people may make attempts to connect by becoming fascinated by anything that interests you. They cling to any spark of life that you show. Others may nag out of frustration- finding countless ways to jab and criticize you, unconsciously trying to provoke you into showing up. Then you somehow feel justified in using Distant, “If she wasn’t such a nag, I’d be around more.” Others may see you as hard, insensitive, self absorbed, reserved, withdrawn or vacant. Same as with Rigid, when you use a Distant style, some people eventually give up. They get angry or begin to act distant as well. They fall into bitterness, depression or some one else’s arms.

The problem is, as the drawing shows, you are too far away. You are unreachable and protected by your very distance. Inside you might even be yearning for contact but there is no heart connection, no personal sharing, and no ties to another. Nobody really knows you- sometimes not even you. It might be that you don’t know how to relate to others or that you shut off from intimacy early on. If so, you can learn the skills that open you to more connection with others.

Inside, when you are using this style, you might feel shut off and numb, relieved to be alone or very lonely. Sometimes your feelings are so disconnected that you don’t understand what others mean when they say they want to be closer to you. You either think you already are close or you don’t understand what the big deal is. Other times you may feel great emptiness or emotional pain, but others wouldn’t know it from what you show on the outside and you don’t know how to show them. In the past safety may have depended on your appearing strong or unaffected but now it is your prison. Sometimes it hurts too much to care or be cared for, so instead you protect. You might protect by numbing your feelings using things like alcohol, television, cigarettes, computers or work.

Parenting Effects

When you parent using the Distant style, your children do not get the real attention, nurturing, or interactions they need. Even if you are physically present, you don’t show your affection. Because of this they never know how much you care. Children raised with a Distant style, may go to extremes to get you to finally pay attention to them; tantrums, stealing and so on. They may become Distant themselves. Or they may swing to the other extreme becoming overly clingy to others, latching onto anyone who will give them any attention. This makes them easier prey to predators, who are on the look out for lost or needy kids.

For more information about creating relationships that really work go to www.joancasey.com

Enmeshed- Too Close

What do we feel like doing now? Let’s ask Cindy.

No wait. Let’s let Cindy ask Randy first.

Cindy and Randy are on the way back home from his baseball game.

Scanning the businesses on either side of the street, he says, “Hey, Cindy, you hungry?”

She looks over at him, considering the tone of his voice, “Well, maybe. Are you?”

“Yeah! I’m starved.” He moans. “That was a long game.”

“I’m really hungry, too!” Cindy says with enthusiasm. “Look there’s a Mexican restaurant on the corner.”

“You want Mexican?” He glanced at her.

She hesitatingly asked, “Well... do you?”

“Oh, yeah. Sounds great! I’d love some.”

“Really? Me too!” She smiled with relief, “ I love those cheese enchiladas with the chopped bits of onions....”

“Oh, I can’t stand those.” He wrinkled his nose in disgust.

“I mean... I used to like them. Not now.” She stumbled on,  “I never eat them now. I hate onions.”

“Unless of course, they brown the onions first. Then they’re great.” He added.

“Oh yes. Browned onions. They are so good that way. I love browned onions.” She agreed.

In using Enmeshed, Cindy, is shapeshifting, changing moment to moment, in an attempt to mirror Randy. The unspoken motto of Enmeshed is “You and I are one- and who we are is you.” She likes what he likes; taking on his opinions, feelings and attitudes as her own. In fact she does it so well that she really does only like what he likes.

The Enmeshed Problem

Imagine what it’s like trying to rent a video with you when you are using the Enmeshed problem style. If you haven’t and you’d like to give a friend a headache- give it a try this Saturday night. He doesn’t like mysteries, neither do you. He wants a comedy? That’s just what you wanted! He decides that he really does want a mystery? You do, too. In fact, who needs to rent a movie? You, like most people using Enmeshed, are a mystery. Who are you really?

When you use Enmeshed, you take on your partner’s opinions and values and lose a sense of your self. This symbiotic or melding approach can be smothering at times as you hover about, waiting to discover what "we" are feeling. You are a camelion. At work you make a wonderful “Yes Man” at work, great for pumping up the boss’s ego, but miserable for taking the intiative.

While someone using Invisible knows what is and isn’t right for her (and doesn’t follow through with setting limits), when  you use Enmeshed you don’t even contemplate what is right for you. You just jump into being the same as your companion. You lose a sense of where you end and others begin. You take on others feelings and concerns as your own. Those around you might not be aware that you are using Enmeshed. They might feel overjoyed - they’ve met their perfect match...themselves. Usually after awhile, unless they are quite insecure or self-absorbed, they find your mirroring behavior rather boring or outright annoying. There is little opportunity for growth, debate, new ideas or challenges.

The problem is you are overlapping your identity with someone elses. Like a sponge you soak up whatever you can, changing shape easily as you take on the form whoever is close. You take on too much of others feelings, needs and opinions as your own. There is nothing original for others to bounce up against- no solid inner substance -no you.

When you use this style you change as quickly as needed to align with your companion. You usually do this in an attempt to avoid any feelings of separation or abandonment. When you aren’t successful in maintaining this misdirected bond, your anxiety grows. To quiet this uncomfortable feeling, you might engage in any number of agitating behaviors, such as eating, smoking or shopping, to spend away the fear. If you ever do get a glimmer of your own ideas, then you have your own self-created internal struggle to deal with: be yourself and be separate or be like him and be together. Use the self- treatment methods in later chapters to deal with your anxiety, especially focus on the Inner-Parenting Method, the neurological healing positions and the EFT meridian tapping methods.

Parenting Effects

When you parent using Enmeshed you become overly identified with your children’s feelings and activities. You take on their successes or failures as your own.  As a result, some children become passive recipients of your smothering presence. They need to perform for your well being.  Or, in a misguided attempt to take care of you, they will start to enmesh with you. They do this by hiding their painful feelings or different opinions in an attempt to protect you from conflict or separation. They will deaden their own identity, becoming overly aware of you and your needs. They are on their way to using Enmeshed styles as adults. Other children will develop an inflated sense of themselves: becoming egocentric and seeing others only as a tool to satisfy their own desires. They will have little ability to compromise or empathize with others. And still other children, in response to this type of intrusion, will hesitate to share anything personal with you. They will retreat into their own protected world.

Intrusive- sending too much out

Look out. Greta’s here.

Greta marched into the team meeting. Getting the contract to build the new downtown shopping mall had been a great boost for their architect firm. Now it was time to move into action and she knew just how it should be done. Coming in late, she grabbed a chair and pushed her way into the circle of people gathered around the table covered with charts. “Ouch!” somebody yelped as the chair smashed his foot.

Finally situated, Greta dropped her briefcase on the table with a bang. A pile of memos fluttered to the floor. Michael was in the middle of saying something about building codes. She burst in, “The main entry should open up on to First Street not Cedar Street. It’d obviously be better for pedestrians.” Distracted Michael said, “Greta, we were talking about codes.”

“Michael, you don’t want to do that right now. What a waste of time! Those can wait,” she insisted, “Let’s talk about design first.” He looked at her, obviously annoyed. As he continued with his summary of codes, she made a few more attempts to redirect the meeting. When this verbal wrestling match was over she finally sat back in her chair. Over Michael’s voice her muffled jab could be heard, “Why did I bother coming to this meeting?”

Ten minutes before the meeting was over, she looked at her watch and suddenly pushed her chair back. “Gotta go,” she interrupted as she made her way out the door.

When Greta uses Intrusive she steps on feet, feelings, friends and family. She goes after getting things done- her way. She knows the shortest distance between two points is a straight line and that’s the road she takes- even if others are in the way. She may get to where she’s going but she leaves a trail of angry people in her wake.

The Intrusive Problem

When you use Intrusive you can come across like a bulldozer or mosquito. Either way you invade others, disregarding their clues to back off. You tell other others what they should do, interrupt conversations, make out of place comments or imappropriately touch others. Or perhaps your are more subtle with perfectly timed sighs, agitation or clumsy behavior. You make yourself noticed and draw energy to you. Maybe you do this in a cajoling or playful manner, making it all the harder for others to confront.  Sexual innuendo is another form of Intrusive style, the actual words may seem harmless but the energy or intention behind them is clearly invasive.

Notice in the drawing for Intrusive how all the arrows point outward and none point in? This is what you are doing when you use the Intrusive style. All of your behaviours go out towards others and none of their reactions get in. You have no feedback loop to notice others, or if you do, it gets overridden by your urge to run the show.  Many people around you shrink when they see you coming. Internally they brace themselves, knowing they will need to work to hold their ground. And still others will go along with your show, slowly building resentments. When they finally do push back and the fireworks start to fly,  you stand there, in dismay, and say to yourself, “What’s wrong with them? I was only trying to help.”

The problem is you send out too much. You seem stubborn as you try to push others into doing things your way. This style causes problems because you don’t take into account what others want, feel or need. You just keep trying override others.You may achieve your goal, but at what cost? Other times, you are simply oblivious to the rest of the world and are clueless to the affect you have on other. You can learn to listen and watch for others reactions to you.

Internally, when you start using Intrusive, it may feel like you’ve gone on automatic pilot. You start to take charge, be the life of the party and before you know it you’ve got everyone going into action- just the way you wanted. It might, however, not fit the way anyone else wanted. In fact, you probably didn’t even listen to what they wanted. But, you think, that’s O.K. because I’ve got the best ideas anyway and I know how to get the job done. You may find it hard to trust that someone else can get the job right, so instead you keep taking charge. Often you are driven by an existential urge that seems to announce “I am here and no one is going to stop me from being me!”.  Stop for a moment and picture yourself in a situation where you typically have been the one getting attention. Picture yourself being still and quiet. What happens? Can you stay in that calm place? Do you notice anxiety rising? Often, when using Instrusive, you create the very isolation you were trying to avoid.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.

-Dave Barry

Parenting Effects

When you parent using Intrusive, you become over controlling or domineering. You do not react to your child’s own rhythms, desires or feeling. You so strongly direct your child’s activities that they do not learn to develop their own sense of self. You may be physically intrusive: going beyond your child’s messages that says “no”: making him hug you when he doesn’t want to or tickling him past the time that the horseplay was fun for him. Forcing your desires on him takes many forms including force feeding, telling him what he likes, and not allowing privacy.

Some children will react to this style by becoming overly compliant and agreeable. They will have difficulty saying “no” or avoiding other invasive people in their lives. Others will feel like they have to explode to have any boundaries with you so they may seem to be larger than life when they assert themselves. Some children eventually use this same Intrusive style on others, becoming cruel bullies or bossy controllers.

Hyper-receptive-taking too much in

 Is it O.K. for me to introduce the next problem now? Maybe I should wait. You might need a little break. Umm...well it seems like you might be ready for more, but I’m not sure. Well, all right- here goes:

“Finally, I’m home,” Matt pulled his car into the garage. Grabbing his brief case and balancing a hot pizza, he grinned. He was thinking about the new position opening up at work. He had a good chance to get and it was just the kind of computer program development he been wanting to do. “Just wait till I tell Greta.” he thought. Then, just before turning the knob, he could felt his excitement become still. His face dropped. “When should I tell Greta? What kind of mood would she and the kids be in?” He stepped inside, carefully scanning the living room and entry. Assessing quickly. Greta’s coat was tossed on the sofa. Her shoes kicked off in the hallway. Today’s mail tossed in a messy pile. He quietly ventured in further. Table not set. Greta already busy on the computer. Matt’s shoulders dropped.  “Well,” he thought to himself, “I guess the job thing is not that big a deal, I’ll wait till dinner to tell her.”

Later at dinner he sat with his wife, Greta, and their two teenagers. His antenna alert, he automatically scanned them, looking for direction. “Would it be O.K. to tell them now?” Matt sat a the edge of his chair, his back stiff, eye darting. Listening to Joan and David talk about their high school football game. Nodding his head attentively to Greta’s complaints about delays on the blue prints she needed for work. Matt’s brag about the job, still waiting to be announced, seemed to disappear as he decided that the timing wasn’t right. He’ll wait. Greta wasn’t in a good mood and the kids were starting to disagree about the game.

In using Hyper-receptive, Matt does not dare take action until he has carefully assessed the entire situation looking for any clues that will tell him how to act. His desires quickly fade away in the light of his perception of others moods and needs. He is constantly on alert. He seems like a chameleon- ready at any moment to change himself to fit the situation. “Don’t rock the boat” and “Peace at any price” are his mantras.

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The Hyper-Receptive Problem

When you use Hyper-Receptive you perched on a chair awaiting the slightest hint from those around you. Your friend mentions a new type of coffee and you think, “Coffee! She must want coffee” as you jump up to make a pot. You respond to every nuance or clue- real or imagined. You aren’t able to relax, instead your presence is like that of an overly attentive butler.

Where someone using Invisible doesn’t assert desires, and someone using Enmeshed takes on her companion’s desires, when you use Hyper-receptive you have only one desire and that is to not rock the boat. If that means being quiet- you’re quiet. If it means acting funny you’ll act funny. If it means agreeing with someone, you’ll agree. What ever it takes to keep the balancing act going- she’ll do it.

As you see in the chart, all the arrows point inward. Hyper-Receptive takes in too much. You grasp for any clue that tells you what you can do to keep everyone happy. Everyone but you that is. But then you are too busy to even notice what you want. This is like the nervous “perfect hostess” who doesn’t have much fun at her own party.  She heaves a sigh of relief when everyone leaves and she realizes the party ended without any major mishaps. Unless you are very discreet when using this hyper-vigilant style, those around you feel tense or uncomfortable. They may try to get you to sit down and relax or they may be annoyed by your attentions. Or, if they are the type that thrives on others insecurities, they may play off your fears- pointing out imperfections and problems so they can watch your discomfort grow.

The problem is you take in too much. You take in everyone’s energy and, in your fear, you let your fantasies and thoughts (real or imagined) impact you too much and, because of this, you don’t even have the time to consider what you really need or want. You can’t even relax. Your

Internally, when you use this style you are constantly on the look out. It is as if life is a bomb which could be set off at any moment. An ongoing fearful conversation plays in your mind as you recreate past conversations or future disasters.  “Did I do it right?” “Is she mad at me?” and “What if...?” are common thoughts. The only time you feel like you can really relax is if you are alone.  It is not unusual for someone using this survival mode to have grown up in a household where life was unpredictable and, at times, unsafe. Now, years later, the “red alert” alarm is still on even though there is no fire. Imagine being in a group of people and relaxing. Doing nothing to try to keep them calm or happy. What happens? Can you stay centered and peaceful? Or do your fears begin to emerge?

Parenting Effects

When parenting using this style, you become overly protective, looking for every possible danger and then some. “Look out” “Be careful” are common Hyper-Receptive phrases that teach children the world is a dangerous place. As your inability to feel safe in the world is passed on then they, too, learn to feel hesitant about living and life. They lose their natural sense of spontaneity and confidence. Instead, they learn to question their every move. Or they many withdraw from you, feeling boxed in by your unresolved fears.

Some children, in reaction to this style of parenting become devil-may-care. They place themselves in dangerous situations, and wait for the fun to begin as they watch for your reactions. Sometimes they express the repressed emotions for the whole family which have been carefully avoided by your Hyper-Receptive moves.

The Six Boundary Problems: A Quick Comparison

Here’s a brief overview comparing the some of the differences between the six boundary problems. As you learn to identify your specific problem styles, you might notice that you blend them together or quickly change from one problem to another. Remember to also think of how other would classify you. Later in the book you'll learn the six boundary solution styles.

Rigid He lets everyone know exactly where he stands and that he’s not moving. He is going to do things his way, even if it means doing it alone.  Buzz words: Too closed, inflexible, no spontaneity, unyielding, non-negotiable, unchangeable, stubborn, adamant, hard	Invisible She knows what she wants and feels but she doesn’t do anything about it in the moment. She doesn’t tell others or assert her limits in a way that will be listened to. Buzz words: Too open, non-assertive, push-over, over-adapts, feels used and hurt, her gut says “no” while her mouth says “yes”, passive
Distant He is emotionally or physically unavailable. Others might never know what he wants, who he is or, sometimes, even where he is. Buzz words: Far, unreachable, disconnected, absent, non-communicative, loner, aloof, cold, removed	Enmeshed She takes on her partner’s likes and dislikes as her own so she only wants what he wants. She is who he is. Buzz words: Over lapped, yes-man, no opinions of her own, loss of identity, too close, clone
Intrusive She pushes everyone to go along with whatever she wants, regardless of his or her desires. She acts oblivious to others discomfort or resentment. Buzz words: Sends out too much, pushy, forceful, bulldozer, invasive, bossy, interfering, interrupter	Hyper-Receptive He has no time to realize what he really wants- he just is trying to make sure there is no conflict. Buzz words: Takes in too much, tense, waits for cues, fearful, chameleon, vigilant, anticipates others desires

There is always going to be someone who is not going to respect our boundaries or their own boundaries. The question is -what are you going to do about it?

Definition of Insanity:

Doing the  same thing over and over again

and expecting different results.

-Alcoholics Anonymous, The Twelve Step Tradition

Everything is easier after Boundaries: Solutions for Life. People who have taken the training realized that they had tried to make things better, but it never worked. The problem is, they had been doing the same old thing over and over again. After learning about the problem and solution styles for boundaries, and putting them into action, they found peace and sanity. And so will you. In the next chapter, let’s take a closer look at your personal boundaries profile.

Copyrighted 2003 Boundaries: Solutions for Life 
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